Are you fit to

I wanted to write this last night.

You know, writing always relieves you of some of those very strong feelings. Its a form of expression.

So i didn't write, because i wanted the feelings to stay within me. Not get expressed away.

But not like it worked. Over the night, i awake, feeling lousy and lazy. Bleah.

So lets see if we can work the mood back.

I feel so sick about myself yesterday. its really sickening, i hate it. hate. hate. hate.

hate losing.

Ytd's floorball carnival's campaign ended pretty quickly, we lost both of our group matches and went out with an overall score of 5-0. And its like, frankly, i was the weakest link. Get back to this later.

Then i went to play Gryphon cup, which is a bball tourney for ex batches of RI bballers. Anyway we played against the batch that was sec4 when we were sec1, and got pwn pretty bad.

What i don't understand is this. Why is it that during floorball right before the game i was filled with negative thoughts, like "they got 2 hockers, we sure die" etc. And during the match i didn't have any fitness to speak of. sucks. And bball. Prematch i was draining shots, including 3pts, yet during game time i missed both free throws. I could cut in and get shots off, like anybody else, but the key of course, is whether u make it or not. And i didn't.

It really brought back memories of the game vs sionghwai at qiuping cup. If i were to win him, becoming champ won't be a problem. And i played stoically at first, until.... i found i was in the lead! And i felt surprised when i was leading. This sucks. Where's my winner mentality? Why did i get used to losing? I hate this. Phillip said once i'm in the lead, i forget how to play. No, no. To put it accurately, its, Once i'm in the lead, i don't WANT it.I remember telling the weiqi guys before the comp, go out there, enjoy yourselves, and remember that you are strong. But did i believe it myself? Did i believe i was strong enough to beat siong hwai? did i believe that we can make the semis of floorball carn? Did i believe that i can make 2 simple free throws? NO I DID NOT.

Where's my Winner's Mentality?

I DON'T want to be a loser.

no, no, no.

Its sickening. U let ppl down. Zijian was so confident of winning. i agreed in words, but i didn't BELIEVE it. I pride myself in the weiqi club. But do i practise what i preach?I laugh and tell my bball mates to 'keep the difference under hundred'.But since when was getting pwned such a funny matter? Where's my competitive fire?

I'm a WINNER. WINNER.WINNER.

but am i fit to call myself one?

Being a winner means more than koping medals and posing for pics, like i did with prasatt. no no. it means having the FIRE. U know, using your brains, but playing with FIRE. Competitive.

There's a physical side to it as well. I think my 2 weeks of cough + antibiotics has robbed me of some of my fitness. I really must work at it all over again. But i must. I can, becuz i've done it before. I've pushed myself to run everyday and ran with fire before. I must do it again.

I was far from fit. i was playing lazy defence. Like chenz said, playing def in floorball means, like all sports, staying in front of ur guy, and reaching in for the ball only with ur hands controlling the stick, means ur body remains steady.

There nothing new under the sun.

I knew all that from my bball days as well. But i was lazy.

Lazy to wait for the chance to present itself. Lazy to remain in defence. Lazy to resist the temptation of just diving in and blasting the ball away .Lazy to run back after i make the dash forward into dust as my man gets past me. Lazy.

I remember one time after a friendly game in sec1, coach was saying we all played very well, and the reason he found was that we were all alot fitter and can run without tiring.

Yes. Fitness. Go run, baby.

Run with FIRE.

watched drama feste last night as well, and then left after the 2 plays, didn't bother waiting for results. Ian went down to congratulate bp and i didn't wanna follow. Like, when everyone are going down to mob someone, i'm not following. But anyway bp came up later and was like asking, did u cry did u cry, did the play touch u? Hahaha i had lots of comments.

But then again, was i fit to give it?

i told him that the atmosphere wasn't right. Like lots of silly laughter. During the play at times i found myself wondering, did the script writer plan for these parts to be funny? Like in morrison's play when at such an emo moment when the young boy was basically morphing into the 'successful' adult, and the cast were saying "More + House" and ppl interpreted it as "Moor house" and laughed. Was that planned? I sure hope not, it was an intensive moment to me, why add in this useless laughter? But morrison had the benefit of jayanth's excellent tabla. His mom sat in front of me, videoing the morrison play. I wanted to go up and say, auntie, ur son's really talented. She must be one proud mother.

The tabla intensified the mood when called upon. Full marks for it.

Bp's play couldn't enjoy the benefit of the tabla though though. Oh and at the start of bp's play when they flashed the red light, had this crashing sound and the brother goes off, i thought it was some cliche play about the brother dying omg. But the play itself was better. Like when he hinted at the schizo right from the start when the boy thought the tv was on when it wasn't.But somehow i feel the atmosphere wasn't quite right. dunno how to explain. I probably won't take lit next yr anyway, so whatever lor.

Oh and i thought the question of whether removing the imaginary brother was actually 'good 'for the boy could be be explored better. Like when the mom said smth like "the medicine's is to help you get better" i was thinking, Better? really?

I've read before about some psychologist who had a lady patient and for whatever reason i cannot remember, but it was really BAD and she lost her mind and in her distorted frame of mind she imagined herself married to the english royal family and demanded that ppl call her "Princess".

And the shrink said, if he had the ability to pull her out of her imaginary world, he would not do it. it'd be Cruel.

Alright alright its all done and over with, excellent effort by whoever's involved. And ian i didn't stay cuz i wasn't in the mood for it. My mind was bothered by the stuff above u know.

I really must get back the Winner's frame of mind. Last time at night when i slept i like to hug my bolster for comfort, imagining it to be a Someone who's there to comfort me. but now i know. This Someone is just an illusion, an illusion caused by my wants and needs and all thats dear to me. it all that that i'm hugging. Myself. Me.

So what am I?

Winner? Loser?

I want to say 'Winner'. But where's the mentality?

Or maybe, as i heard on tv last night from this police show, forensic ppl were expousing this theory:

If you can't find it, its because you haven't found it yet.

Find the FIRE